Crashed Souls

I was in a couple of long-term relationships and in both cases believed that it was done thing. For life. Phew. No more lengthy dates, going on and on about the same shit trying to impress when actually all I wanted to do was to be in my bed, pigging out, farting away (that too) whilst watching crap on Netflix.

I did believe it was to last for life until the moment when I got lost. I felt more lonely and sorry for myself in my last relationship than a single person. I didn’t know myself anymore. I forgot what I liked, what made me excited, upset, happy and literally ended up functioning like some emotionless zombie. Apparently I was very good at bringing the worst out of my other half, which was hard to hear without wanting to punch his face in. Still kinda want to do that to this day (“hmm, is that a bitterness I can hear in you?” – brilliantly “intuitive” councilor asks me). Bringing the worst out of each other is most definitely not a life lasting personality nor compatibility mix no matter how much you love that person. Loving and destroying one another at the same time is a pretty heartbreaking affair that you need to get out of as soon as possible.

Five single years have passed now and I find myself so upset for my close friend who’s pretty colorful marriage has been slowly but fatally crashing down. When I listen to more and more of her home truths, all I can hear is echoing of my own voice  all those years ago.

Where’s my feisty friend gone? Strong mother of two who’s never taken NO for an answer? What’s happened to my partner in crime, with whom having endless coffees and stupid chats was once a bliss! I am baffled and so so sad. The longer her soul is being crashed, the more time it will take to refill it with love, peace and strength again. I am here for her as long as it takes but unless she’s ready to accept that this can’t go on like this, the clock for new beginning won’t start ticking. I know because my soul is still deeply scarred and as a result of that, I have shut off myself from any ideas of getting closer to anyone. Simply put, I cannot be bothered, as bad as it sounds, and I don’t even know how to start opening up again as my self-defence wall is pretty strong to break at this moment in time. But I know it will happen some day, and if not, that’s fine too.

Maybe if we really stay true to ourselves every step of the way in every aspect of our journeys, life can truly be a beautiful thing to be grateful for.

I hope that my friends and family will continue to fill their souls with happiness, peace and love for one another. And maybe, I can contribute to that too…

x

Jimmy-hat, Rubber Johnnies or Cock Socks…long forgotten

I must be living on a different planet. Like “the planet earth II” or something.

Here’s the thing. I met a dude, at my local gym, I know, right?! Skipping forward slightly, I’m less keen to show my face there again, which will only mean that all my chances of achieving peachy buttocks will NOT happen now. Bums are for sitting, not for squatting some might say – valid point.

This guy is almost a decade younger, totally laid back and pretty confident. I’m quite an outspoken and social person but I actually find online sexting not that exciting. I grew up in 80s for god sake; no mobile phones and everyone knew that if they wanted to meet someone they had to go out to look for that someone. What you see is what you get sort of thing. And it did work.

Now, in my mid-thirties and four years of being single (not far from living like a nun, shit! that’s bad) I find myself in this ridiculous situation. Firstly, this guy is too young, swears too much, can’t keep a decent conversation going, yet I giggle like a stupid teenager when around him. I even put some mascara on the other day when going for a work out…hello??!

Moving forward, we kissed in a car, which I used to do like twenty years ago. Then we had some dinner together, which we ended up splitting (OK, that’s kinda ok since women are screaming from top of their lungs how independent they are, not needing a guy to look after them – shame on you feminists, could’ve saved a bit of cash there. Joke.

Back at my flat I kept on saying that I couldn’t have sex without a cock hat. That bold statement was lost in the air the minute I saw his giant stick. It was like when someone puts your favourite chocolate or a cake in front of you knowing that sooner or later you’ll lose all your will to resist … you are just left with that crazy feeling of utter mouth-watering satisfaction afterwards.

I couldn’t stop thinking about this twat since then so a couple of days later I had another, this time morning bedroom workout, which helped to get rid of my hangover from the night before. No sign of a cock hat again.

Then it hit me. He’d never used condoms and would never carry any round. I should get some if that was so important. He could’ve slept with half of the city, stupid girl! Very reluctantly and brainfogged (as I still wanted more sex) I messaged that we’d either get condoms or we go our separate ways. He had no issues to bluntly say that I went all MUM on him and separate ways might be better! WTF?!

My vague and maybe totally incorrect theory is that such boys spend most their free time jerking off whilst watching a hard core porn, thinking that women are just happy to be shagged with no form of any protection neither any kind of a foreplay or sensual build up whatsoever. More ridiculously, these young guys are not even caring about their health and risks they put themselves and others into.

I’ll just have to stick to my values and self-respect rather than dealing with a toyboy cock who doesn’t care where’s he’s sticking it into. It’s time to get my pink rabbit dusted off!

Are women who swear less attractive?

My close friends told me I’ve been swearing more and more lately…! now…I don’t like a lot of criticism but I know they are not say it maliciously so it’s fair enough and point’s taken. It’s just made me think about women swearing and whether it is unattractive to the point of even turning men off. Admittedly, when I heard a woman swearing at a retail customer services staff a while ago, my first impression of her was of a vulgar person from some grotty estate; says the one swearing like there’s no tomorrow!! no judgement there, clearly!

But then, here’s another thing – if someone is well spoken and dressed well and swear words tend to slip out now and then – is that less unattractive than if it was someone common looking?? Are our acceptance levels of swearing linked to our social status? i.e. working class, middle class and so on….or am I looking at this from a totally wrong angle and it is just ‘black and white’ matter – swearing / not swearing, full stop.

One of my male friend’s view is that ‘common’ swearing is disgusting but ‘classy’ swearing is totally appropriate. And also that “if it is swearing for the sake of it, then it’s unattractive in anyone but pointed swearing is totally acceptable” I should’ve asked him to clarify what exactly he meant by ‘common’ and ‘classy’ swearing but I guess that brings me back to what I meant in my question regarding the social status.

This can lead to a debate.

My other excuse for swearing is (and hopefully some others might agree) that swearing in a second language (in my case English) doesn’t feel that wrong and doesn’t bother me as much as swearing in my native mother tongue.  Trust me, my mama would slap me hard for it, no matter what my age!

And to top it all off, I’ve found the below article by The Independent paper, which links swearing more to a high IQ – so maybe I am onto something here:)

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/intelligent-people-tend-to-be-messy-stay-awake-longer-and-swear-more-a7174256.html

Yes, Moist

So, you know the typical office scenario – people buy cakes, even better  people bake cakes at home (well, in some cases better!) competing one another – blame the crazy “British bake off” mania. And then someone goes “wow, tastes great, so light and so  M O I S T!!!!! BOOOM! the REACTION!!! women’s faces squeeze like when eating the sharpest lemon or gherkin in the world and they almost look like Shar Pei puppies:) No offence anyone.

MOIST MOIST MOIST MOIST …so it can be related  “the air was moist and heavy” or “her brother’s eyes became moist” – another word for slightly wet; damp or humid…

or as pretty obvious, women think of a lot of things but cakes! typically…sexually lubricated (of the vagina), sexually turned on. So why is it that bad?? It’s not like we would cringe if we could have the best time of our lives with the most gorgeous looking men. In between the bed sheets clearly! So when the magic happens …. you do need a bit of m…t! Oops, might be a bit of too much detail for some, sorry…hmmm, I’m not really.

This makes me think, does the “Fifty shades of grey” novel feature the M word? I wouldn’t know as I haven’t read it but seeing women on tubes and trains looking shocked and giggling with blushing cheeks…myabe it does…?

 Anyways, this is my humble point of view so if you like it, good and if not, keep it to yourself;) 

CAMEL TOE dilemma

I’m going to go straight to the point here. Here we go. I know what camel toe is but have I seen one staring right at me before?! I’m trying to keep professional at that awkward moment and look away…how has this happened?? Do I tell them and embarrass them or do I mind my own business? I decide to leave it and ask my friends for their opinion later. It’s pretty funny how this subject can turn into a mini debate. Some say it’s probably body anatomy, wrong size underwear or too skinny jeans/trousers…you decide.

On another note, I’d love to know what runs through men’s minds when they “meet & greet” camel toes? Do they find it off-putting, slightly on a cheap side maybe or weirdly attractive at all?? Honestly, I have no idea, no joke so if any men read this, enlighten me please.

I’d like to believe that I’ve never had this problem before (if you can call it a problem) and if I ever do and I’m not aware of it, I’d hope that my friends would have the courage to tell me. I can think of one or two of “straight talking” girlfriends who would definitely say something silly to laugh it off.

I’ve asked one of my male friends if he’d say something to his wife in such situation and his answer did make sense. If they were out on town already, he wouldn’t probably say anything as it would most likely spoil her night out (hmm, or more likely his night?! just kidding). If it was more of a closer to home situation where she could do something about it, he’d definitely would point it out (I’m sure in the most sensitive way possible to avoid being slapped).

What about you, would you say something??

 

Dumped by Anal

When I wrote my previous rant “dicks online” I didn’t expect I’d come across another comical mankind story. It’s not my personal one, just to be clear:)

Here it is! You are online chatting to a nice bloke for hours and hours and hours, talking and joking about different things, including what you’d dare doing in the “bed” department and all that…happy chatting…The date is set. Dress sorted.

On the Day, the lovely bloke that you’ve already planned out to be the man of your life, the greatest husband ever and best father to your kids…blabla…sends you a message destroying your slightly  premature life plan. Ouch!

Simply because he remembered that anal wasn’t exactly on top of your bucket list of preferred sexual practices. So the anal lover was rather kind and saved you both the precious time by dumping you. No anal, no man! What a shame you piece of… ! Feel free to fill in the rest of the sentence as you wish.

But let me try looking at it more positively for a bit. At least he was apologetic and honest about it from the start. Thank you for not meeting a dick like you who’s brain is literally clouded with nothing but ass holes. Why don’t you try it yourself and let me know how enjoyable from scale 1-10 the experience was for you before imposing such condition on someone else before even meeting them!
You will never know now, she might have turned out to be the woman of Your life who would grow to enjoy those precious ANAL moments with you! Your loss….

….to be continued….

Dicks Online

I don’t know if I should proudly announce that I haven’t done any online flirting, dating in my 30+ years but the more I hear about crazy encounters my friends have experienced, I will stick to my “virgin” status for a bit longer. But in the meantime, I’ll share what I’ve heard so far. What on earth possesses some men after saying the usual “hello gorgeous” (fair enough) to then sending a photo of their dicks?!! (lucky you if you get one with a bonus of Spiderman underpants! How sexy!!)

Do you honestly think that we will get aroused momentarily just looking at your bits or is it meant to be some sort of healing perhaps?? If I wanted to see something like that, I’d rather find some decent porn where I can actually chose what to look at! 😉 No offence guys but your dicks aren’t exactly the most attractive thing. Yes it is there for obvious reasons but do us a favor and keep it in your pants at least until you’ve met someone in person (ooh, and it might be an idea not to flash it in the street either – sorry, I’ve heard that happening to someone too!).

Saying all this, there’s nothing wrong with such racy pics if that’s what does it for you (I don’t reside in any nunnery if that’s what’s crossed your mind reading this) so enjoy it whilst you can, good for you.