dating, life, men, sex

Jimmy-hat, Rubber Johnnies or Cock Socks…long forgotten

I must be living on a different planet. Like “the planet earth II” or something.

Here’s the thing. I met a dude, at my local gym, I know, right?! Skipping forward slightly, I’m less keen to show my face there again, which will only mean that all my chances of achieving peachy buttocks will NOT happen now. Bums are for sitting, not for squatting some might say – valid point.

This guy is almost a decade younger, totally laid back and pretty confident. I’m quite an outspoken and social person but I actually find online sexting not that exciting. I grew up in 80s for god sake; no mobile phones and everyone knew that if they wanted to meet someone they had to go out to look for that someone. What you see is what you get sort of thing. And it did work.

Now, in my mid-thirties and four years of being single (not far from living like a nun, shit! that’s bad) I find myself in this ridiculous situation. Firstly, this guy is too young, swears too much, can’t keep a decent conversation going, yet I giggle like a stupid teenager when around him. I even put some mascara on the other day when going for a work out…hello??!

Moving forward, we kissed in a car, which I used to do like twenty years ago. Then we had some dinner together, which we ended up splitting (OK, that’s kinda ok since women are screaming from top of their lungs how independent they are, not needing a guy to look after them – shame on you feminists, could’ve saved a bit of cash there. Joke.

Back at my flat I kept on saying that I couldn’t have sex without a cock hat. That bold statement was lost in the air the minute I saw his giant stick. It was like when someone puts your favourite chocolate or a cake in front of you knowing that sooner or later you’ll lose all your will to resist … you are just left with that crazy feeling of utter mouth-watering satisfaction afterwards.

I couldn’t stop thinking about this twat since then so a couple of days later I had another, this time morning bedroom workout, which helped to get rid of my hangover from the night before. No sign of a cock hat again.

Then it hit me. He’d never used condoms and would never carry any round. I should get some if that was so important. He could’ve slept with half of the city, stupid girl! Very reluctantly and brainfogged (as I still wanted more sex) I messaged that we’d either get condoms or we go our separate ways. He had no issues to bluntly say that I went all MUM on him and separate ways might be better! WTF?!

My vague and maybe totally incorrect theory is that such boys spend most their free time jerking off whilst watching a hard core porn, thinking that women are just happy to be shagged with no form of any protection neither any kind of a foreplay or sensual build up whatsoever. More ridiculously, these young guys are not even caring about their health and risks they put themselves and others into.

I’ll just have to stick to my values and self-respect rather than dealing with a toyboy cock who doesn’t care where’s he’s sticking it into. It’s time to get my pink rabbit dusted off!


Dumped by Anal

When I wrote my previous rant “dicks online” I didn’t expect I’d come across another comical mankind story. It’s not my personal one, just to be clear:)

Here it is! You are online chatting to a nice bloke for hours and hours and hours, talking and joking about different things, including what you’d dare doing in the “bed” department and all that…happy chatting…The date is set. Dress sorted.

On the Day, the lovely bloke that you’ve already planned out to be the man of your life, the greatest husband ever and best father to your kids…blabla…sends you a message destroying your slightly  premature life plan. Ouch!

Simply because he remembered that anal wasn’t exactly on top of your bucket list of preferred sexual practices. So the anal lover was rather kind and saved you both the precious time by dumping you. No anal, no man! What a shame you piece of… ! Feel free to fill in the rest of the sentence as you wish.

But let me try looking at it more positively for a bit. At least he was apologetic and honest about it from the start. Thank you for not meeting a dick like you who’s brain is literally clouded with nothing but ass holes. Why don’t you try it yourself and let me know how enjoyable from scale 1-10 the experience was for you before imposing such condition on someone else before even meeting them!
You will never know now, she might have turned out to be the woman of Your life who would grow to enjoy those precious ANAL moments with you! Your loss….

….to be continued….


Dicks Online

I don’t know if I should proudly announce that I haven’t done any online flirting, dating in my 30+ years but the more I hear about crazy encounters my friends have experienced, I will stick to my “virgin” status for a bit longer. But in the meantime, I’ll share what I’ve heard so far. What on earth possesses some men after saying the usual “hello gorgeous” (fair enough) to then sending a photo of their dicks?!! (lucky you if you get one with a bonus of Spiderman underpants! How sexy!!)

Do you honestly think that we will get aroused momentarily just looking at your bits or is it meant to be some sort of healing perhaps?? If I wanted to see something like that, I’d rather find some decent porn where I can actually chose what to look at! 😉 No offence guys but your dicks aren’t exactly the most attractive thing. Yes it is there for obvious reasons but do us a favor and keep it in your pants at least until you’ve met someone in person (ooh, and it might be an idea not to flash it in the street either – sorry, I’ve heard that happening to someone too!).

Saying all this, there’s nothing wrong with such racy pics if that’s what does it for you (I don’t reside in any nunnery if that’s what’s crossed your mind reading this) so enjoy it whilst you can, good for you.