I was in a couple of long-term relationships and in both cases believed that it was done thing. For life. Phew. No more lengthy dates, going on and on about the same shit trying to impress when actually all I wanted to do was to be in my bed, pigging out, farting away (that too) whilst watching crap on Netflix.
I did believe it was to last for life until the moment when I got lost. I felt more lonely and sorry for myself in my last relationship than a single person. I didn’t know myself anymore. I forgot what I liked, what made me excited, upset, happy and literally ended up functioning like some emotionless zombie. Apparently I was very good at bringing the worst out of my other half, which was hard to hear without wanting to punch his face in. Still kinda want to do that to this day (“hmm, is that a bitterness I can hear in you?” – brilliantly “intuitive” councilor asks me). Bringing the worst out of each other is most definitely not a life lasting personality nor compatibility mix no matter how much you love that person. Loving and destroying one another at the same time is a pretty heartbreaking affair that you need to get out of as soon as possible.
Five single years have passed now and I find myself so upset for my close friend who’s pretty colorful marriage has been slowly but fatally crashing down. When I listen to more and more of her home truths, all I can hear is echoing of my own voice all those years ago.
Where’s my feisty friend gone? Strong mother of two who’s never taken NO for an answer? What’s happened to my partner in crime, with whom having endless coffees and stupid chats was once a bliss! I am baffled and so so sad. The longer her soul is being crashed, the more time it will take to refill it with love, peace and strength again. I am here for her as long as it takes but unless she’s ready to accept that this can’t go on like this, the clock for new beginning won’t start ticking. I know because my soul is still deeply scarred and as a result of that, I have shut off myself from any ideas of getting closer to anyone. Simply put, I cannot be bothered, as bad as it sounds, and I don’t even know how to start opening up again as my self-defence wall is pretty strong to break at this moment in time. But I know it will happen some day, and if not, that’s fine too.
Maybe if we really stay true to ourselves every step of the way in every aspect of our journeys, life can truly be a beautiful thing to be grateful for.
I hope that my friends and family will continue to fill their souls with happiness, peace and love for one another. And maybe, I can contribute to that too…